Monday, March 15, 2010

Rahm Emanuel In My Pants

Monday, March 15, 2010

Now listen. I don't care about where he stands on important issues and shit like that. All I care about is why he's not in my pants.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Mediterranean Diet: This is Why I'm Fat

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I've gained about 6 pounds since I've arrived in Italy, and I'm trying to understand how. I guess it's not terrible, but I thought that when someone suddenly starts to walk everywhere and eat fruit and pasta and guzzle down wine instead of driving to the corner grocery store and feeding exclusively on Cheetos and Taco Bell and Mountain Dew, well, call me crazy, she or he was supposed to lose weight. Ok, maybe losing weight was not a good idea for me, but that's neither here nor there. It's just that when everyone around you is losing weight, you don't want to be the one gaining it. This "Mediterranean Diet", as they call it here (not cuisine, mind you, because it's a diet. A diet.), fails just about anyone on it. Why do I say that? Because it's 57 degrees outside and these waif Italian women are all bundled up in what they think is appropriate cold weather gear. More on that later. They have no fat on their little bodies and they act as ridiculous as me when I go out for five minutes to scrape snow off my car in pajamas on a thirty degree morning. It all makes me feel like Paul Bunyan. On the plus side, though, my hair is really shiny. Mediterranean Diet: 1. Taco Bell: 1

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Be Warned

Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I think that by now I should know that when things are going really well, life will eventually throw a big piece of dog shit under your feet. I would be having a much better time in Italy, except that you can't watch Hulu here because of some copyright bull shizz. It sucks because I'm in the mood to watch some Digital Shorts and some 30 Rock and I really want to watch something funny in English because I haven't watched real T.V. in ages and my host father only watches soccer and I'm really sick of listening to Italian. Hulu should really warn people about this before they go on these trips where people are all like "yeah this is alot of fun, but I have nothing to do until this weekend when I leave for Assisi, and I really wish I had something to watch on the train to distract myself from that weird piece of 40 year old Euro trash staring at me for more than two hours". Maybe, if there was a way for people to give their computers nationalities they could be given exclusive copyright priviliges. Computers would have to carry some form of passport, and then maybe carry a visa for certain bitch ass countries, like Italy, where the country monitors internet activity because of "the threat of terrorism". A visa that works the same way a student or workers visa does, except a computer visa allows "multiple entries" to Hulu.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Italian Car Plow

Wednesday, September 2, 2009
10 points if you get hit by a car. 1,00,000 points if you get hit by a moped. You win by getting hit by a bike. People don't count. Italians are just uncoordinated. They should all get their eyes checked.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Try This

Wednesday, August 26, 2009
If you are either a woman or a non (not white), go to the mall, or the grocery store, place-where-white-people-dole-out-money. See how many times you move out of the way for white men to pass through. White women don't count. Immediate disqualification. 0 points if they're obese. 10 points if they're skinny. 20 points if they're wearing Crocs or Teevas. 40 points if they're wearing frat insignia. 100 points if you're female and black. 1,000,000 points if they're Pat Robertson. I call this game the White Man Plow.

Above: White Man.

Above: Mad Black Woman

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I had the munchies this afternoon so I went upstairs, in my house, to eat. To eat, I went to the Cocoa Puffs box. There were only two Cocoa Puffs in the box. I ate one and dropped the other one on the floor. My dog ate it. He's basically a cunt.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

"I was the first woman prime minister of Canada"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Barack Obama is speaking at ASU's commencement on Sunday but ASU will not give him an honorary degree. I myself would advise anyone from getting a degree at ASU, so really it's no big loss, but it does kinda bruise one's ego. Here you are, first Black president of the United States, and one of the biggest party schools won't give you a degree because your "accomplishments have yet to be seen". It's funny how Mr. Captain Morgan considers ASU the "Harvard of scholastics", and it's also funny how Obama graduated from Harvard Law... Of course I'm one to talk. CU is the ASU of drinking and date rape. Or is it the other way around? Whatever. CU reportedly produces a lot of astronauts, 17 in total, so that counts for something, right? How many has ASU produced? None. Though they did give one an honorary degree. So there are nice people at ASU. I know people who go to ASU, and they're fairly nice and very smart. By the way, I just did the whole "I'm not racist because I know Black people" thing. I am not racist towards ASU. Got that? But I don't mind people thinking I am.

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