The Bloat

Rahm Emanuel In My Pants

2010-03-15T00:25:00.005-06:00

Now listen. I don't care about where he stands on important issues and shit like that. All I care about is why he's not in my pants.

The Mediterranean Diet: This is Why I'm Fat

2009-10-20T09:29:00.012-06:00

I've gained about 6 pounds since I've arrived in Italy, and I'm trying to understand how. I guess it's not terrible, but I thought that when someone suddenly starts to walk everywhere and eat fruit and pasta and guzzle down wine instead of driving to the corner grocery store and feeding exclusively on Cheetos and Taco Bell and Mountain Dew, well, call me crazy, she or he was supposed to lose weight. Ok, maybe losing weight was not a good idea for me, but that's neither here nor there. It's just that when everyone around you is losing weight, you don't want to be the one gaining it. This "Mediterranean Diet", as they call it here (not cuisine, mind you, because it's a diet. A diet.), fails just about anyone on it. Why do I say that? Because it's 57 degrees outside and these waif Italian women are all bundled up in what they think is appropriate cold weather gear. More on that later. They have no fat on their little bodies and they act as ridiculous as me when I go out for five minutes to scrape snow off my car in pajamas on a thirty degree morning. It all makes me feel like Paul Bunyan. On the plus side, though, my hair is really shiny. Mediterranean Diet: 1. Taco Bell: 1

Be Warned

2009-09-08T06:04:00.006-06:00

I think that by now I should know that when things are going really well, life will eventually throw a big piece of dog shit under your feet. I would be having a much better time in Italy, except that you can't watch Hulu here because of some copyright bull shizz. It sucks because I'm in the mood to watch some Digital Shorts and some 30 Rock and I really want to watch something funny in English because I haven't watched real T.V. in ages and my host father only watches soccer and I'm really sick of listening to Italian. Hulu should really warn people about this before they go on these trips where people are all like "yeah this is alot of fun, but I have nothing to do until this weekend when I leave for Assisi, and I really wish I had something to watch on the train to distract myself from that weird piece of 40 year old Euro trash staring at me for more than two hours". Maybe, if there was a way for people to give their computers nationalities they could be given exclusive copyright priviliges. Computers would have to carry some form of passport, and then maybe carry a visa for certain bitch ass countries, like Italy, where the country monitors internet activity because of "the threat of terrorism". A visa that works the same way a student or workers visa does, except a computer visa allows "multiple entries" to Hulu.

The Italian Car Plow

2009-09-02T08:37:00.005-06:00

10 points if you get hit by a car. 1,00,000 points if you get hit by a moped. You win by getting hit by a bike. People don't count. Italians are just uncoordinated. They should all get their eyes checked.

Try This

2009-08-26T21:36:00.005-06:00

If you are either a woman or a non (not white), go to the mall, or the grocery store, place-where-white-people-dole-out-money. See how many times you move out of the way for white men to pass through. White women don't count. Immediate disqualification. 0 points if they're obese. 10 points if they're skinny. 20 points if they're wearing Crocs or Teevas. 40 points if they're wearing frat insignia. 100 points if you're female and black. 1,000,000 points if they're Pat Robertson. I call this game the White Man Plow.

Above: White Man.

Above: Mad Black Woman

Wonderful Wednesday

2009-08-19T20:47:00.004-06:00

I had the munchies this afternoon so I went upstairs, in my house, to eat. To eat, I went to the Cocoa Puffs box. There were only two Cocoa Puffs in the box. I ate one and dropped the other one on the floor. My dog ate it. He's basically a cunt.

"I was the first woman prime minister of Canada"

2009-05-13T20:42:00.004-06:00

Barack Obama is speaking at ASU's commencement on Sunday but ASU will not give him an honorary degree. I myself would advise anyone from getting a degree at ASU, so really it's no big loss, but it does kinda bruise one's ego. Here you are, first Black president of the United States, and one of the biggest party schools won't give you a degree because your "accomplishments have yet to be seen". It's funny how Mr. Captain Morgan considers ASU the "Harvard of scholastics", and it's also funny how Obama graduated from Harvard Law... Of course I'm one to talk. CU is the ASU of drinking and date rape. Or is it the other way around? Whatever. CU reportedly produces a lot of astronauts, 17 in total, so that counts for something, right? How many has ASU produced? None. Though they did give one an honorary degree. So there are nice people at ASU. I know people who go to ASU, and they're fairly nice and very smart. By the way, I just did the whole "I'm not racist because I know Black people" thing. I am not racist towards ASU. Got that? But I don't mind people thinking I am.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

M - Th 11p / 10c

Arizona State Snubs Obama

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Maggie Talks

2009-05-11T23:50:00.004-06:00

I always look out to see if I can catch a rare snippet of Maggie Simpson speaking whenever I watch The Simpsons. So far all I've heard her say is 'Daddy" in that one episode where she saves Homer from drowning, or some shizz like that. A week ago she did, via Jodie Foster, Maggie delivered a speech on daycare. I had always been afraid of Maggie speaking because I didn't know where that would lead; maybe Maggie would become the Stewie of The Simpsons, even though Stewie is the Maggie of Family Guy. Would Maggie's character take on a more cynical edge and cease to be the little precocious and mysterious character she's always been? But I like that this speech is more of a Moment in History: it's a once-in-a-lifetime event where Maggie say's what she has to say on daycare before asking to be excused so she can take a nap.
P.S.
The downside of this episode is that it's based on The Fountainhead. Two words: Ayn Rand.

"Confucio Fue Uno De Los Inventores De La Confusion"

2009-05-11T23:03:00.005-06:00

Jajajajajaja!
Miguelreategui: Osea, no existia la confusion antes de Confucio?

(If that one doesnt work...)

My Back Hurts, and I Want Ice Cream

2009-05-06T20:08:00.000-06:00

As if a brain tumor wasn't enough.

Daisy of Love: "All them guys hatin' on me"

2009-05-05T17:33:00.000-06:00

Poor Daisy. The show started out with 20 contestants, but in only two episodes the number is down to 12. This just makes me think that Vh1 is trying cut production costs by not extending the season's run, which makes me question how Daisy is going to make a sound judgement in short window of time. Actually, never mind. Daisy would never develop a sense of logic and reason even if she had all the time in the world to read books on syllogisms, or perhaps Susan Bordo's Unbearable Weight: Feminism, Western Culture, and the Body. In the first episode she kicked out the Swedish triplets before the elimination ceremony, and eliminated Torch and Dropout at the ceremony. That's five. In the second episode The Professor and Weasel. Fortunately, Flipper also managed to cut production costs by smashing a bottle on his head and eliminating himself after an altercation with the bros. Then he storms into Daisy's room, where she's just sittin', waiting for him, and he's all like "you're hot", but then he's all "blah, blah, blah" and then dude flips her off, which is so "not cool". Daisy's like "get the fudge out, bb", and he was all like "oh, mah gawd". Lulz!

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How Do You Know You Have a Brain Tumor?

2009-05-05T00:30:00.000-06:00

So last night I decided to take an Adderall around 2 am. That's right 2am. I had taken one around 11 that day, or the day before, what have you, and I noticed that my concentration was drifting away. I'm certain concentration has a soul, a bleak and fickle one (is concentration a woman?), and it decides to leave you when you really need it. Concentration has commitment issues. Haha. Get it? Or maybe there are dementors who feed on concentration, and when they're around you feel as though all the happiness in the world returns because you no longer have to care about sensibility split across gender lines in Emmeline. No, now you are free to catch an episode of Daisy of Love at 2am. Or read some Perez Hilton. Bliss! And, of course, Adderral is the patronus.
But I went to the kitchen, mostly because when I get restless I tend to wander around and drive my mother insane (but thankfully I don't live with her no more), and I wanted a cookie, and then I went to take my clothes out of the dryer, and then I went upstairs to get my laptop, because dammit, I really was determined to get some work done! Expecto Patronum! But then it occurred to me that I didn't remember taking the pill. !!! I remember I went to the bathroom before going downstairs to get some water, but I only remember checking myself out in the mirror. I don't remember drinking water because I just didn't feel that refreshing taste in my mouth. I searched the entire house, retracing my steps, for that stupid pill; I checked the dryer, the cookie box, the trash, the sink, etc. I counted the number of pills I had left, and there was one less pill from when I last counted. So maybe there's an Adderall loose about my place, waiting for my dog to swallow it. Maybe we'll be able to train him better if he focuses really hard. Or maybe he'll get bad diarrhea.
What does this all have to with cancer? I'm going to tell you. My memory has been deteriorating as of late and I'm skeered. Mostly it's my short term memory. It's gotten so bad that I can't even remember what I did a second ago. Did I turn on the car? Now, I'm not one to become easily alarmed when it comes to my health (everything can be cured with tomato soup and germs are our friends because they have lessons to teach us. Like not eating at Taco Bell because you'll have the stomach flu for the rest of your life), but I'm getting random hand twitches, or I get vertigo for a couple of seconds, and I keep having these dreams where my dentist tells me I have cancer. And lately I've just been doing not so great this semester. I might be getting a D- for the first time in my life. I got an F in fifth grade because I didn't turn in this report on Copeland. When I got my report card I successfully managed to make that F look like a B with a blue erasable pen, and my mother gave me money to go to the mall and buy a Giga Pet. I feel like I can't hit the mark with my essays; my professors just don't like them. I got a paper back that said "you switch your arguments twice in your essay. You lose your train of thought. I'm confused". My intellectual prowess is gone. What does this all mean? Gah! Shit! Why me?! Anyway, does anyone else out there have a brain tumor? Can I make this go away?(Please don't tell me it's the Adderall, because this started way before I started taking it this year, you flamers. Don't flame me, I tell you! Flamers will be extinguished!).
Or maybe I'm getting Alzheimer's. That would suck. But doesn't Alzheimers also affect you long term memory? Actually I'm starting to lose that too. I use to have one of the best memories all around I could even remember the license plate number of the car that cut me off two hours after it happened. Now I can't even remember drunk dialing Amanda at the CU-CSU game. She says I did, but I don't think so. Usually I have more class. I couldn't even remember my cellphone number last week when I gave it to someone I don't even remember.

Move the fuck ovah, Twilight. This is what's up!

2009-03-26T12:32:00.000-06:00

Did anyone else tear up? God, I love life!
I think New Moon is supposed to come out a month after this, which is a damn shame: All of the teenie-boppers (or prostitots, as one of my friends calls them), would rather go watch a movie about ~~Stephenie Meyer~~ a pretty, yet ordinary girl and a sparkly vampire who are void of personalities, than a movie about a wild precocious boy, who dresses in wolf pajamas and cavorts with wild things. It's a book everyone's grown up with. Everyone. I've even seen Spanish copies of this book. Come on, where's everyone's nostalgia? I asked ~~a friend who likes Twilight~~ somebody if they remembered Where the Wild Things Are: "Isn't that that book we read in elementary school?" "Yeah. Do you remember it?" "Yeah. I thought it was creepy". WHAT THE FUCK. And the fact the Edward watches Bella sleep isn't? Max's journey into the sublime is creepy? So Edward (illegally) watching Bella sleep without her knowing is "romantic"? You know what all girls would do if someone spied on them as they slept? They would call the fucking cops on them. Charlie would be all up Edwards tight asshole. Edward would have to register as a sex offender-which is funny because he doesn't have sex-, and the Cullens would have to move like, to Canada, which sucks cajones. And then Rosalie would like, rub it in by having really rough sex with Emmett, and destroy the house and his piano. Esme would be all like 'there's nothing you could have done, bb', and Carlisle like give him the keys to the Benz, and be like 'go son, go. I'm still proud of you'. And Edward would be all like 'I'm a monster. I'm going to sparkle in public and let ~~The Corleones~~ Volturri do me in!!!' Which also suck cajones 'cause he would die a virgin. Lulz! No one should die a virgin. Except children. All children should die virgins.

Sidney Poitier in my pants.

2009-03-13T05:28:00.000-06:00

Jesus fucking Christ. Not Jesus actually fucking Christ. That would be mad awkward. I think it's about 5:30 am and I have about two more pages of my essay to write. I really have no excuse. I didn't check my syllabus until Wednesday night, so I started reading the book I'm supposed to be writing on, A Raisin in the Sun, just to get a head start on the all-nighter I pull everytime. The play is actually really good, and then I remembered that Sidney Poitier was in the film version in the 60's, so I'm now watching clips of that on YouTube. Let me say that Sidney-fucking-Poitier is the man of my 1960's dreams. No nobody can out-act that man. Sex.
See ya in the morning.